I SAW THE SUN!!!

Hello! I am Dustin from the internet you may know me, you probably know me. I am freaking healing yo. Words from other people are magical in my opinion. People have a vast amount of experiences, and some experiences can be similar to something you could be dealing with. Their perspective after sitting on it for a much longer time can be the perspective you could be looking for. And that very perspective can be summed up as something as simple as an adjective. A word that describes something so closely, something just barely out of grasp of a recently hurt mind, and something just sort of clicks in your brain. It's an understanding that went through the time to heal. The word for me was Self-serving. Okay maybe it's not really just one word, but there's like a dash, it's connected to each word making it... One. From the life of a person who's family is an incomprehensible mess, it's hard to really live for ones self in a sense. When I grew as a person, I didn't really think about how my family could be worse than a lot of other families. Online you'll see stories about how bad certain family members can be to each other and think yours is ok. But that's not the correct way to understand where your family stands. Since I grew up thinking that my family was good, I grew trying to be like them or even succeed them. I'll take advantage of my great parents and really try my best at everything! When people think of a "good" family they usually think of wealth. Rich parents protect their kids when they grow up using their wealth, and those traits get carried over to them. But I've started to think that it can be a worse way to grow as a person. Yes you'll get really good schooling and learn a ton more than the average person, and even get a job that far surpasses anyone else! You can enjoy your life more, eat much more expensive foods, travel across the world and really do anything you want! In my opinion, it prevents a lot of personal growth a normal person who has to work in order to survive gets. They don't have to find a career that is seen as under them, they have padding from their family and can afford to have any job they realistically want. And they really don't need to make hard decisions about their future. These kids are used to being spoiled, and it shows when they shower their friends with gifts and food. To them they're simply carrying on what their parents taught them, and most normal people would feel honored to receieve gifts including me. When parents over protect their children, they will grow up with tight abnormal boundaries. When these boundaries are challenged it can cause them to panic, to shut down and to find the easiest and most simple way to fix the issue. Put yourself in my shoes, I receive gifts, and sometimes even have my food paid for! Like wow I must really mean a lot to this person for them to spend their time and money on me! Wow I feel a real attachment to a friend like this, I'm going to treasure the gifts I receive from them! Woah what just happened? I'm not getting replies from them all of a sudden, or most of our friend group... I must have done or said something. Truth eventually comes out and I find out that my friend simply withheld simple information from me. Omg drama in a friend group, it's not that big of a deal, just two friends secretly dating in front of me during a trip, bruh. I felt uncomfortable being a third wheel and wanted to talk about my feelings in person and resolve issues I had with them. In person I ended up not talking about how I felt, my anxiety was sort of peaking with them and I felt a bit uncomfortable. I sent them a text about how I felt, and that's when I challenged a boundary. I had made them uncomfortable with how often I myself felt uncomfortable with them, at least that's what I originally had thought. But here's how it actually went, when I opened up to one of my friends about an issue I had, they told me they were sorry. They meant nothing by this apology. About a week later, I got a text from the friend I wanted to talk to about feeling uncomfortable with, he's someone I considered at the time a close friend. He mentioned that he had a discussion with the friend who apologized to me about their friendship with me as a whole, and that he wanted to completely remove me from his life, and blocked me on all platforms. The friend who apologized to me used the private discussion we had just a week ago as a weapon against me to cut my friend out of my life. He did this probably because he thought I was interested in dating his new ex, or some stupid shit like that. And I guess in a way feeling uncomfortable with two people dating must mean I have feelings, and yeah I did have feelings that I failed to discuss with them about. Was it about me being interested in him? NO! I told my friend that I felt misrepresented, and a whole lot about how I felt. He responded with some soulless, "you don't blame me right? We can remain friends, right?" This is the most selfish thing I've ever been sent in my life. How can you betray me like this and expect me to continue to want to be in your life? So I ofc screamed at him and cut him out of my own life. The thing about this that bothered me was being remembered wrong, and it wasn't even something I said. Imagine being friends with someone for so long, and someone talks behind your back to them and suddenly without as little as a discussion you lost that person as a friend. How little can friends mean to a person like that? And that's when Self-serving clicked with me. Clear boundaries were challenged, and the quickest result was cutting me out. He probably was convinced that I liked him, and that was what made him uncomfortable enough to never want to talk to me again. I didn't like him this way, and there's nothing I can do to resolve this feeling. A person like that sticks with their friends until they wear out their welcome, and in my case I made them feel uncomfortable. In my brain if I was uncomfortable with someone, I would want to mend that relationship so I wouldn't feel uncomfortable. Realizing that I value my friendships so much higher than people do to me is what hurt the most. If I truly meant so little to that person, why would they even bother with a discussion right? They get to pick and choose their friends, like toys. And the only reason I can think of, is that the only way someone can grow to be like that, is by having parents who limit their children's personal growth. They simply don't go through the growth a normal person has to go through, and it sucks realizing that not everyone is living life to improve themselves. People like that live to consume, they don't need to improve themselves because they don't need to get anywhere in life, they don't need to improve. Sorry for the rant, this situation has been on loop in my brain for a whole month and I'm starting to find my own closure. Closure that'll stop my brain from looking for answers that I need to convince myself aren't important. It took a while to convince myself that I could find my own personal closure to this. I always ALWAYS want to see the best in people, and realzing that people grow up with different perspectives on life and not everyone wants to better themselves is enough for me. Thank you for reading all the way down here! I don't mean all rich families raise spoiled children, just the ones in my live have.